I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
