Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
