Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
