eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
