remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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