If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
