I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
