You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize