you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Your cock deserves a montage
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
