I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
