so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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