one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize