the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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