i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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