my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Randomize
