He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
