the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
