i already hear my dad disowning me
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
