I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
