apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
