they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
