do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize