No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
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