how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
