If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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