Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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