I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
