My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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