I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
