Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
