peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
