forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
