i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
