I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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