i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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