i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
His nipple licking is glorious
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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