i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
