my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
