Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize