dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
