im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
