Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
