Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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