he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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