Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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