Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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