i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
