he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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