You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
