but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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