we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
did i just pee glitter
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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