he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize