Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
