that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize