He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize