Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
