Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Operation Purity has been aborted
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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