we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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