I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
