How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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